Local Woman Infuriated by Amount of Bread Crusts in Garbage

ALTOONA, Pa. – Lifelong dumpster diver and Altoona native Trish Schwimmer is reportedly upset by the city's eating habits. 

Schwimmer, a 46-year old self-employed dumpster diver, has been rummaging through the city of Altoona’s trash ever since she was a little girl. “Initially, it started as a fun hobby to do as a family,” Schwimmer shared with The Bulletin, “But by 13, I had realized I had a true passion for garbage.” But recently, Schwimmer has noticed a growing issue within the community: bread crusts. 

“You go back 20, 30 years ago, I never saw a single bread crust out in these here dumpsters. Now, they’re everywhere!” Schwimmer ranted to our correspondent, “And I’ll tell you what, it’s downright un-American. We’ve gone too soft as a country. When I was a kid, we ate the whole damn loaf, like patriots.” 

Schwimmer brought her concerning findings to the Bulletin hoping to gain community attention, alleging that bread crust is the foundation to a healthy civilization. Schwimmer pledges that for every trashed bread crust she finds, she will eat one standard loaf of bread, “as a symbol of strength for our community.”

Unfortunately, Schwimmer had to be escorted out after verbally assaulting a staff member at Blair County Bulletin, who shared that they had never eaten bread crusts in their life, as their mother had always trimmed them off. Schwimmer has declined to further comment on the matter.